Lord of the Drugs
by Brent1
Summary: Look! After billions of years I finally updated it! Check it out and review!
1. The Hobo

Bimbo Bagless lived in a hole. Not a comfortable, cozy hole, oh no. He lived in a Hobo hole, and that meant rats and snakes. He ate those rats and snakes six time a day because that's the only thing Hobos got to eat. "What exactly are Hobos?" you may ask. Well, Hobos are these short fat freaks who live in a small country called New York City. Hobos don't wear shoes because they can't afford them and because they get so high off "pipe weed" that they lose the feeling in their feet anyway.

Well, Bimbo was sitting by his hole one morning smoking his weed when Gandalfag the Gay came by with a bunch of midgets. Bimbo didn't like Gandalfag because he went on to many adventures, and Bimbo couldn't pronounce that word. Well, Gandalfag and the midgets came into Bimbo's hole and ate all his rats and snakes. Then, Gandalfag said to Bimbo, "I'll give you a couple of bucks if you come on an adventure with us. So, Bimbo said, "Sure I'll go on an andevinturer if you give me money to buy weed!" So, Bimbo went on a great adventure of which he could only remember the following part when he became old and senile (and coincidentally, this is the only relevant part):

Bimbo fell down a deep, deep hole. He landed with a great WHUMP and he feared that his joints had been crushed. When he was sure that they were all intact, he felt around him because he couldn't see well in the dark. He was surprised to find an extra joint beside him because he knew exactly how many he had brought and that he had them all. He absentmindedly slipped the joint into his left pocket, which he didn't usually put weed in, because his right one was already full. After that he forgot all about it.

A creature had observed Bimbo's fall into the cave. This creature used to live on the surface, but now lived in the big cave under the mountain. He ate fish and Mexicans who wandered into his lair. He paddled himself around on a little boat with his big ugly feet and was now watching Bimbo stumble around from a short distance away. His name was Hchakk, which was given to him by his grandmother because he made nasty phlegm noises in his throat. He now spoke softly to himself as he paddled slowly toward Bimbo. "What is it, preciouss? Is it yummy, _CHAKK_ tasty, good to sssmoke? I wonderss, precious _HCHAA_." Bimbo heard Hchakk coming and looked up. 

"Hello," he said rather politely, "what the freak are you?!" 

"Nonono," Hchakk answered, "what iss it? _HCHACK_ what is it, precious ssss?"

"I," said Bimbo, "am Bimbo Bagless the Hobo of New York City. Who are you?

"Hchakk," answered Hchakk.

"That's nasty."

"Nonono, Baglesss doesn't _Ahk_ understand, preciouss. Hchakk is Hchakk's name, it iss. Yessss. Does Bagless want to play riddless? If Bagless winss, we will show it out, we will. If it loseseses, we will smoke its weed and eat it _chahk_. Tasssty."

Bimbo became very afraid. He surely didn't want some ugly niglet to smoke his weed. But, he didn't have much of a choice, so he agreed reluctantly.

"We will go firsst," said Hchakk. He decided to start with an easy one.

__

"I, look like weed

I smell like weed,

I taste like weed,

I am weed.

What am I?"

Bimbo wasn't as big of an idiot as you thought he was, so he answered, "Weed," fairly quickly. "Now it's my turn," he said.

__

"Yellow face in blue face

Looks down on

Green face that you smoke and it gets you high."

Hchakk had to think back to his days on the surface when he used to watch his grandmother harvest her crops (and I'm sure you can guess what those were). "Ssunshine on weeed it is, yess precious." Now Hchakk decided to use what he thought was an easy one.

__

Always smoking,

Never breathing,

Always drinking,

Never peeing (at least as far as I can tell)

Clad in mail,

Never clinking.

This one stumped Bimbo until he saw a fish poke it's head out of the murky water. He could distinctly see something in the fish's mouth and he realized that all of the fish around here smoked pot. "A fish smoking pot!" he cried. "Now try this one:

__

It is gray and twirly.

The smell makes you hurly.

It always goes up,

And it always disappears 

"Weed smoke! From precious weeed!" Hchakk said quickly, for he was tiring of the game by now. "Bagless won't guesss this one, oh no _yahch_.

__

To have me once

Is to want me twice.

So you will buy me and smoke me

No matter the price.

You would think that Bimbo had realized by now that all the answers either were weed or had something to do with weed, but being from New York City, he naturally didn't. He took so long in answering, in fact, that Hchakk began hissing and gagging impatiently. Finally, he stood up, licked his black lips and said, "Bagless must answer, it musst. Answer quickly!"

This scared the pee out of poor Bimbo, and he was about to do what any Hobo would have done: squeal like a pig and run like a horse. But, Hchakk took Bimbo's frightened, "Eeek!" to be the word "weed", so he sat down and said, "Assk uss," very sulkily.

Bimbo felt very nervous at this point and decided to smoke a joint. He slipped his hand into his left pocket, and when it was halfway in, he remembered that all of his weed was in the other pocket. But, then he felt that there _was_ something in his left pocket. "What's in my left pocket?" he wondered out loud.

Hchakk, being the dumb niglet that he was, took this to be a riddle. "No fair!" he cried angrily. "Bagless issn't fair! Ya stupid Hobo! How the @#$% should we know what the *&%# is in it's G-d %$^&ed pocketsesesesessssss!?"

"Oh no," said Bimbo, laughing. "You must guess! Those are the rules!"

Hchakk would have guessed "weed" but, he knew that everyone always kept their weed in their right pocket. "We get three guesseses _hyachh_ because it isn't fair riddle." Bimbo had to agree to this. "Iss it… cocaine?" Hchakk asked. Bimbo smiled and shook his head. "Heroine?" he ventured. Again, Bimbo shook his head. "Booze?"

Bimbo jumped triumphantly to his feet. "I win!" he cried. "Now you must show me how to get out!"

"Cheater!" hissed Hchakk. "You must tell us what it is in your nassty pocketseses."

"No, I don't," replied Bimbo, "That's not what the rules say."

Hchakk spit at Bimbo and walked away despite Bimbo's protests. He never meant to let Bimbo out either way. He had something that could help him eat Bimbo and smoke his weed before Bimbo would know what had hit him: A magic joint that could turn you invisible. Coincidentally, this was the same joint that Bimbo had found earlier.

"PRECIOUSSSSSSSS!" cried Hchakk so loudly that Bimbo nearly swallowed the joint he was smoking. He saw Hchakk run wildly back in his direction, screeching hideously. He was very surprised when he ran right past him as if he were invisible. He wondered where Hchakk was going if not to him. So, he decided to follow him. Well, Hchakk ran straight to the exit of the cave, screaming "Precious! Bagless has my Precioussss!" Bimbo jumped right over him, out into the open world, and ran all the way back to rejoin the midgets. He only stopped to yell, "Sucka!" to Hchakk before vanishing into the night.


	2. Lord of the Drugs 1

A.N:Greetings Dearly Beloved Readers Whom the Universe is Centered Upon,  
Sorry it took so long to post this and I know its really small, but I warned you! And the next part will take even longer. Bwahahah! Anyway, enjoy. Oh yeah, if I get enough good reviews I maybe, _maybe_ consider trying to post the next part faster, so reveiw please! 

* * *

### Lord of the Drugs

_ Three joints for the Smurven kings under the sky,  
even for the Midget lords on their johns of stone,  
Nine for the mental men doomed to get high,  
One for George W. Bush on his dark throne  
In the land of Mexico where the crackheads lie.  
One joint is cooler than all, one ring to grind them.  
One ring to smoke them all, and in the darkness blind them.  
_

* * *

  
**The Gang of the Joint**

Many years had passed, and in that time Bimbo had realized that not only did Hchakk's magic joint make you invisible, but it also lit itself whenever you put it into your mouth and stayed whole no matter how long or how many times you smoked it. It came in very useful whenever he wanted to get high or walk around his hole naked.

Eventually, Bimbo adopted his younger cousin, Homo Bagless, despite the protests of Homo's parents, who were, ironically, still alive.

On Bimbo's 111th birthday he had a great party and all the Hobos of New York City came and smoked each other's weed. Everyone was dreading the long speech that Bimbo would inevitably give at the end of the party: which he did.

"Honored and esteemed Hobos," he began, "the lot of you sicken me to the core! I hate every fiber of your being with every fiber of my being! The sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell of you make me want to vomit up something nearly as repulsive as yourselves! Even the flies think you smell bad! If I have to put up with the likes of you for one more moment, I shall vanish from the face of the Earth!" And he did.

All of the Hobos present were either too drunk or high to notice or care, and many began to heckle Homo for more booze. However, one person did notice. This was Gandalfag the Gay. Gandalfag was a great wizard, and since he had gone on the Great Andevinturer with Bimbo, he was the only one besides Homo who knew that Bimbo was smoking his magic joint and stumbling off to his hole to prepare for another long journey. So Gandalfag hopped on his horse and sped speedily after him.

Gandalfag found Bimbo hurriedly eating all the rats and snakes in the hole so that his relatives, the Crackville-Baglesses, could not steal them, as he was sure they would. "You are quite decided about this matter, are you?" he asked.

"Oh yesh," Bimbo answered through a mouth full of rat guts. "I wan to shee da mowans befow I die." He swallowed. "And the Smurves. And the little green Martians. Oh, how I miss those little green Martians."

"What about the Joint?" asked Gandalfag.

"This Joint?" said Bimbo, pulling it out of his left pocket. "Well I suppose that I'll bring it with me…Yes, I don't see why not."

"No, I don't think you should." Said Gandalfag. "There is something very screwy about that joint. I think you'd better leave it for Homo."

"Look punk, what part of 'I'm bringing it with me' do you not understand?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe the part that if you do, I'll beat your scrawny Bagless butt into the ground!"

Bimbo was about to respond, but at that moment Homo walked into the hole. "Hallo Bimbo," he said. "About ready to leave, I suppose."

"Er…yes," answered Bimbo. "And I have decided that in addition to the glorious wealth that I am about to leave to you, I will also give to you my most preciouss- er valuable item, my magic Joint." With that, he walked out of the hole, was promptly eaten by a wild animal, and never seen again until he mysteriously reappeared in a later chapter.


	3. Lord of the Drugs 2

A.N. I am officially pissed off. One review! One! Okay , so maybe that was a bad chapter. Well , this one's better. So I'd better get a junkload of reviews or else... And by the wat, despite what you might think, I'm not a racsist. If I say anything racsist its because it's somewhat funny. I don't hate any group or race or anything, except for Palestinians,but that's a different story. So don't get all politically correct on me because you'd be beating a dead horse. 

* * *

### Lord of the Drugs, Chapter 2

Many years passed in which Gandalfag would occasionally stumble drunkenly into Homo's hole only to mysteriously stumble out and stumble back in a few years later. This happened one day fifty years after Bimbo's departure.

"Hey Homo," he said. "You know that magic Joint you got? Throw it into the fire. I want to show you something." Before Homo could protest, Gandalfag grabbed the joint and threw it into the fireplace. Immediately, smoke began to rise from the joint.

"Look!" cried Gandalfag. "See that smoke? It's actually letters written in the ancient Smurven tongue, Weedsmoke-Induvielth-Thalviuf-Pandirutiel!" The pattern that the smoke rises in is an actual alphabet! Hmm…interesting. It spells out the last two lines in a poem called Lord of the Drugs. It goes like this:

One joint is cooler than all, one ring to grind them.

One ring to smoke them all, and in the darkness blind them."

"No, man. It's just smoke."

"I'm telling you," he insisted, "It's a freaking language!"

"Okay. So what's it say now?"

"It says…hold on a sec." Gandalfag took out his handy-dandy Weedsmoke-Induvielth-Thalviuf-Pandirutiel pocket dictionary (never leave home without it!) and flipped a few pages. "Aha!" he cried. "It says, 'Winners don't do drugs. A message brought to you by the Society for the prevention of really good stuff.'

"This is the One Joint. It was made thousands years ago by Smurven dealers inside Mount Boom. It is the most powerful of the Twenty of Joints. If Lord George Bush gets it, he will be able to find the other Joints and rule the world!

"Let me tell you how it came into your possession. Long ago there was this big war; and George Bush had this Joint. Then, this dude took it from him and lost it. Then, some Niglet, named Diglet, found it; and some other Niglet, named Sniglet, said, 'Dude, gimme the joint you found,' and the other guy said, 'Dude, no way, man.' So then Sniglet killed Diglet and took his joint. Then, Sniglet's grandma got really pissed at him and she called him Hchakk. So, Sniglet went to live under a mountain. Then, a coupla thousand years later, Bimbo Bagless went and took his Joint and he gave it to you. Now, George Bush is looking for it, so you gotta get your flabby, white butt outta here before G. Dubya sends his evil minions after you! Oh yeah, one more thing. This ain't like any regular joint. Remember how Hchakk was obsessed over this joint? Well, that's because this one is Iaddictive/I!"

Gandalfag said the last words loudly, so that Homo woke up with a start. "Oh I'm sorry. Were you saying something?"

Gandalfag sighed. "All you need to know is that you have to leave here and put the freedom of the known world at risk; and while you're at it take that gardener guy- what's his name…Oh yeah, Samstupid!- take him with you."

So Gandalfag went on his way and Homo made preparations to gyp the Crackville-Baglesses by selling them his hole. He also arranged for some of his relations, Smelly Candytruck and Pimple Crook, to help him move some stuff to Truckland, where they thought he was moving. Everything went as planned until the day that they would leave on. Some black people showed up the neighborhood. They were seen speaking to Samstupid's Gaffer.

"Yo! Wassup Brotha G! Ya know where be'd the Jointbearer?"

"Woah! I'm not even drunk yet and I still don't know what you're saying!"

"Oh, so now you be messin? Don't you be givin me that! You don't wanna be messin! I'll show you messin…"

Homo realized that these black people were the evil minions of George W. Bush, so he decided to set off right away. The four Hobos began their journey, the young ones skipping gaily. Soon they crossed over the Whiskeyvodka River into Truckland. They stopped at Candytruck Hall to eat rats and snakes with Fatty Bolger (A.N. I really didn't have to change that one). While they were there, Smelly and Pimple surprised Homo by telling him that they knew that he was going somewhere and that they would come too. So late that night four short, fat, figures could be seen creeping towards the Geezer Forrest, holding the fate of the world and a few Hershey Bars in their pockets.


End file.
